I haven’t forgotten about this blog. Every time I think of jotting my thoughts and experiences and log on to this blog – I suddenly become disengaged and log off WordPress. Sometimes, I don’t think anyone would take interest in reading someone’s words that’s not a frontliner or doesn’t have a public health background. I’m only a Social Worker in the early stages of her career. I figure that my voice is unnecessary and just adds noise. I get discouraged thinking that my input is not valuable, but then I realize that I’m doing my part and hope that some people can relate to my voice albeit incoherent at times. So here I am – mostly writing for myself.

Nowadays, all we’ve thought and talked about is COVID19. I mean c’mon… it’s everywhere. So many unknown factors, so many senseless deaths, things constantly changing, and so much misinformation floating around. It’s disheartening to say the least. I look on social media and I just want to yell at my conspiracy theorist relatives; “Shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” or shake and scream at my pig-headed friends who think that social Darwinism should happen. (Because f*ck poor people, right?) How heartless, how cruel. Then I have the friends who try to live with structure and normalcy. I can’t fault them for that – but to be honest this pandemic isn’t normal and it’s okay to stop and process what is going on. (Perhaps that’s too ableist and shows my privilege.)

This pandemic will not just go away overnight. People will suffer and people we know and love might die. So that dissonance screws with me because most times I just want to scream, “What the f***?! WHAT THE F***?” Hell, where’s the outrage? And maybe this just shows people how thin skinned I am that I can’t just shrug this off. Or maybe it’s the aktibista in me. I see my titas (my favorites) in the Philippines really fighting and sticking to what they believe to be right. I wish I was a little bit more like them. I really want to do the good work someday. Honestly, this is the time I just freaking stop writing and just talk to Soren about how I’m feeling about everything. *cues tangent*

Speaking of Soren – We’re both safe in the Seattle area. The first case surfaced here late January and Washington State was first to respond to COVID19 in the US. Soren and I took proper precautions since early February and have practiced social distancing for around 6-7 weeks now. We warned people we care without sounding too crazy and we were vigilant about being ready for a rough months ahead of us. Still it’s not enough – there’s a helplessness and need to do more that I constantly circle around. At times, Soren and I share a look, synchronized sigh and then we begin to unravel our dismay about what is happening in the world. We try not to indulge in our angst too often, but sometimes pessimism wins. I thought I could handle watching my friends and family on the other side of the country, but I constantly worry about their safety especially since majority of my friends and family are healthcare professionals and frontliners. At times, I sound like a mother who is now an empty nester.

When my auntie Daisy and her partner tested positive last week – I rushed into action sending OTC medications that could help combat symptoms and masks that we managed to grab. They live with my 87 year old lola who is stubborn as a karabow and insisted that the blood of Christ would protect her. It took a village to convince her that she needed to leave and isolate. My stubborn mother Pearl also potentially exposed herself because she couldn’t stand being home and just had to visit my lola that very week. *eye roll* The disregard to take this virus seriously got the best of me which probably raised my Cortisol levels tenfolds. I left Soren with the responsibility to manage them because… well we can get to that another day. In all seriousness, the virus didn’t just hit close to home – it hit home. I did my best to aid and navigate them through this from across the country, but I wanted to internally scream. For now I’m calling them daily just to make they are okay.

I don’t want my family to just be a statistic.

Part II later. I’m kinda tired, heh. So please just wash those damn hands.

I have been extremely out of it for the past couple of weeks. Let me tell you about it.

A chance encounter with someone on the Clipper led to an email a few months later regarding a volunteer opportunity for an Agile conference. After checking my busy schedule (lol), conferring with Soren and realizing that I needed a break from the disruptive family problems that reaped havoc in my life. I drafted an email explaining why I was interested in volunteering and why I would be a good fit to do so. The next day I received a message congratulating me that I would be volunteering for the 3 day conference.

First off, I know very little about Agile aside from articles I’ve read and watching videos from the package I bought from online learning. I was definitely interested, but still felt my imposter syndrome creeping back in, but nevertheless I relented and showed up bright early Monday morning to assist anyway I can. I worked registration for the first three hours and then the magic happened. Actually, I don’t really know how to describe what happened, but I managed to network and met people who I felt were extremely helpful.

I don’t know if I really want to keep talking about my experiences with networking. TBH – I don’t know what to make of anything. I think my depression has really overtaken my efforts to be motivated and I really keep the momentum going. I told Soren how I feel so out of it and how disruptive this depression episode feels. Maybe I’ll start talking about Agile and my goals for myself regarding getting myself employed, but maybe I won’t. I haven’t forgotten about this blog, though… I’ve just been trying to get myself towards a better baseline. Grief isn’t linear so hopefully with some support and help I can feel better.

On December 22, 2019, we lost my Tita Tin unexpectedly due to septic shock. Tita Tin was one of my favorite people in my whole family. In a family of eclectic personalities and a sea of resentment and conflicts – she was loved by everyone. It was untimely and tragic bringing together aunties, uncles, and many others who haven’t spoken to each other for years. She left the world too soon at the age of 42 leaving behind so many people that were impacted by her love and generosity. Her wonderful children were champs doing their best to be strong and we all managed to get through that week of hell. I wanted to let them grieve properly so I took it upon myself to step into the role of organizer and facilitator. I’d like to think that if the roles were reversed she would be there helping.

Tita Tin and I spent many times getting our nails done, eating Korean food, helping each other with errands, and giving me advice when I most needed it. She took on a mother figure role during the time I felt like I couldn’t talk to my own mother. She comforted me through my less than stellar moments and never judged me or scolded me. She would always tell, “Ne, it’s okay. You have your whole life ahead of you. You will be successful.” when I would bawl my eyes out about my uncertainties regarding the future. She would be there to celebrate my successes and hold my hand through my downtrodden moments. She always reminded me of the bigger picture and to be grateful for the present.

So for her 40th day since she’s passed – I want to think about her strength, perseverance, and love. Na hidlaw ko siya. I really miss her that at times I feel like she’s going to call me and talk about the newest food trends and share loving words. So this is for you. Tita Tin, you inspired me to be kinder and embrace life. I want you to know that I will be there for the kids and tito always. I will keep you in my heart forever, Tita Tin.

Here Zar goes starting another one of her short-lived passion projects. I’ve done this many times before, but I’m really hoping this time my project/blog has a longer lifespan than all the others. I hope that I can stay consistent enough that it will one day to feel organic to share my thoughts and my life in this space. It’s 2020 for goodness sakes. I swear I was much more steady and solid in my teens. I mean those were the xanga and livejournal days when hormones and emotions raged and I self-declared myself as *emo*. I thiiiiiink I mostly talked about being exhausted with life. Like a lot. Haha, those were the days. Little did 14 year old Zar know what she was in for. She definitely would not say all that junk back then, ha.

So why now? Why not now. I moved to Seattle after spending 27+ years of my life (give a year or two when I spent time in Iloilo/Manila) in Jersey City to follow a man. After 7 months – I’m still with said man and we’re getting married in less than a year! He’s been my saving grace and my best friend for the past 6 years as I’ve learned to navigate young adulthood. He even supported me through my masters degree much to my family’s disappointment. So after he suggested for the nth time that I needed to work on my writing skills and find a place to share my thoughts so I don’t go stir crazy with being unemployed & homesickness – I finally bit the bullet. I tried to start a blog as a fresh social work graduate a couple years back, but I realized that I didn’t have much to say because I didn’t have enough experience and felt resentful about my internship (you’ll definitely read more about that.) So I’m casting a wider net this time. I want to talk about my Fil-Am narrative and my experiences being a brown girl. I even want to write about my awkwardness with my mother’s native language: Hiligaynon or what others refer to as Illonggo. The ideas are endless and I really feel motivated to share my thoughts with others.

I don’t necessarily have goals for this blog – at least not yet. I just want to create a space for me to express myself, share what I know and find a community of likeminded individuals. I plan to do posts re: FilAm experience, my make up enthusiast hauls, wedding hacks/discoveries, unemployment woes (gahhh), cooking adventures and what life is like here in the Emerald City. Look forward to writing some more.

-Zeraphine