I haven’t forgotten about this blog. Every time I think of jotting my thoughts and experiences and log on to this blog – I suddenly become disengaged and log off WordPress. Sometimes, I don’t think anyone would take interest in reading someone’s words that’s not a frontliner or doesn’t have a public health background. I’m only a Social Worker in the early stages of her career. I figure that my voice is unnecessary and just adds noise. I get discouraged thinking that my input is not valuable, but then I realize that I’m doing my part and hope that some people can relate to my voice albeit incoherent at times. So here I am – mostly writing for myself.
Nowadays, all we’ve thought and talked about is COVID19. I mean c’mon… it’s everywhere. So many unknown factors, so many senseless deaths, things constantly changing, and so much misinformation floating around. It’s disheartening to say the least. I look on social media and I just want to yell at my conspiracy theorist relatives; “Shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” or shake and scream at my pig-headed friends who think that social Darwinism should happen. (Because f*ck poor people, right?) How heartless, how cruel. Then I have the friends who try to live with structure and normalcy. I can’t fault them for that – but to be honest this pandemic isn’t normal and it’s okay to stop and process what is going on. (Perhaps that’s too ableist and shows my privilege.)
This pandemic will not just go away overnight. People will suffer and people we know and love might die. So that dissonance screws with me because most times I just want to scream, “What the f***?! WHAT THE F***?” Hell, where’s the outrage? And maybe this just shows people how thin skinned I am that I can’t just shrug this off. Or maybe it’s the aktibista in me. I see my titas (my favorites) in the Philippines really fighting and sticking to what they believe to be right. I wish I was a little bit more like them. I really want to do the good work someday. Honestly, this is the time I just freaking stop writing and just talk to Soren about how I’m feeling about everything. *cues tangent*
Speaking of Soren – We’re both safe in the Seattle area. The first case surfaced here late January and Washington State was first to respond to COVID19 in the US. Soren and I took proper precautions since early February and have practiced social distancing for around 6-7 weeks now. We warned people we care without sounding too crazy and we were vigilant about being ready for a rough months ahead of us. Still it’s not enough – there’s a helplessness and need to do more that I constantly circle around. At times, Soren and I share a look, synchronized sigh and then we begin to unravel our dismay about what is happening in the world. We try not to indulge in our angst too often, but sometimes pessimism wins. I thought I could handle watching my friends and family on the other side of the country, but I constantly worry about their safety especially since majority of my friends and family are healthcare professionals and frontliners. At times, I sound like a mother who is now an empty nester.
When my auntie Daisy and her partner tested positive last week – I rushed into action sending OTC medications that could help combat symptoms and masks that we managed to grab. They live with my 87 year old lola who is stubborn as a karabow and insisted that the blood of Christ would protect her. It took a village to convince her that she needed to leave and isolate. My stubborn mother Pearl also potentially exposed herself because she couldn’t stand being home and just had to visit my lola that very week. *eye roll* The disregard to take this virus seriously got the best of me which probably raised my Cortisol levels tenfolds. I left Soren with the responsibility to manage them because… well we can get to that another day. In all seriousness, the virus didn’t just hit close to home – it hit home. I did my best to aid and navigate them through this from across the country, but I wanted to internally scream. For now I’m calling them daily just to make they are okay.
I don’t want my family to just be a statistic.
Part II later. I’m kinda tired, heh. So please just wash those damn hands.
Morena Filipinx 